I don’t wanna go.

“The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing.” — Yasmin Mogahed

I didn’t expect it to be a struggle every. single. time. I had to attend therapy, but maybe I should have guessed.

I don’t like going to the doctor, any doctor for any reason. Appointments like that have always been high stress situations for me, and I can’t imagine why I expected therapy to be any different.

Two of the three sessions I’ve attended so far I seriously considered canceling at the last minute. I felt guilty and angry with myself for trying to dodge the only responsibility I have these days. How much could I really want to get better if I tried so hard to avoid the only person I’ve found to help me?

Then I started thinking about a post I saw online from Bunmi Laditan, a mother who writes about her struggles with mental illness, “It’s so strange that we have to make the decision to take our pills with the same organ that’s sick. It’s like someone with a broken arm having to do push ups to get better or someone with a sore throat having to sing their way to health. It’s hard and not fair.” That passage spoke to me so much that I haven’t stopped thinking about it since she posted it.

In my mind I keep imagining myself with my broken foot again and I’m hobbling towards help as best I can, but no matter how many painful steps I take I don’t feel like I’m any closer to the end of this suffering. Sometimes I feel like giving up, like maybe sitting down and calling it quits would be less painful. At least I wouldn’t have to keep putting pressure directly on the wound… But if I can drop down lower than I’ve ever been, down on hands and knees, I think I’ll find that crawling at a snails pace is a relief, because somehow I’m still moving forward.

The truth is, I desperately need help with my brain and no matter how unfair or ironic it may seem, I absolutely need this fractured mind to cooperate with me to get that help. I’m still leaning to accept that most days ahead of me are likely to be a struggle, even more so on days that I’m seeking help, but I try to keep up the hope that I’ll get well again, even if at times it feels like it’s taking forever.

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Here’s a link to Bunmi’s FB page. She posts a lot of great stuff about mental illness and motherhood, if anyone’s interested.

Do you follow any pages that share thoughtful posts about mental illness? Feel free to share links in the comments!

 

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