Haha…just kidding, guys.
It’s been closer to a year or more.
And that’s my awkward way of introducing you to the little blog I’m going to be writing about said mental breakdown, what caused it, and how I’m striving to get well again.
Those opening lyrics from “I Was Scared & I’m Sorry” echo around my head every time the tune comes on. The song Dan Campbell, from The Wonder Years, is singing is about a break up, I think, but for me the song is about….graduating college and moving out of state? Getting engaged, breaking my foot, moving yet again? Dealing with family conflict and the disintegration of longtime friendships? Battling anxiety and depression while planning my wedding? Somehow it’s all of the above, and more.
This is kind of a weird, scary thing to be writing about. It’s difficult sharing this with people I’ve worked hard to hide my struggles from, but the truth is I’m tired of hiding. And I don’t want anyone else to feel they have to hide from me.
Since I’ve moved back home I’ve had two or three different friends confess their struggles, and their stories are terribly similar to my own.
Anxious. Depressed. Lost. Lonely. Terrified. Feelings of hopelessness and guilt and a burning, desperate need, and inability, to connect with the good parts of the world again.
When you live with mental illness you learn that your mind can lie to you. It convinces you that you’re not sick, just lazy. That you’re not lovable or useful. And that all the pain you feel is unquestionably, unequivocally your fault.
And if the sly deceiver is left unchecked that voice can grind you down till there’s nothing left. That voice almost beat me once before, and though it has come back with a vengeance, though I’ve spent the last year living on the edge, I’ve fought long enough to finally get help.
My following posts will cover the therapy sessions I started through an online therapy program made available to me after I signed up for Medicaid.
You can find information about the program here.
And if you or someone you know is in crisis you can call: 800-273-TALK
In my blogs I plan to chronicle my journey through therapy and reflect on the last year and a half I spent struggling with my mental illness. I’m going to be sharing select transcripts from my sessions, as well as playlists I’ve made, cartoons or memes I’ve found, and maybe the occasional video or article about mental illness that I find relevant.
I want to start this blog, not only because I’ve found it impossible to write fantasy with this monster on my back, but also because I want to start a dialogue about mental illness and the struggles and shame that come with it. I don’t want this to be a problem that our future generations have to fight alone.